Putting the 'Community' in ThaoForTheRecord.Community. I didn't buy that domain name for nothin'!
I've read all your comments twice over, and all I can think is that I very rarely find that kind of peace in my mind. Solitude is my enemy, aloneness is a disease I have no cure for, yet even when surrounded by crowds of people solitude and aloneness is all I can feel. My therapist has helped me to try and find touchstones that can bring me out of my mind so I can try to find something that will bring me the kind of peace you all describe. They're all good things, things I care about and enjoy, and they bring me no more than a fleeting glimpse of hope. I tried very hard to come up with a scenario, a place, a song, a moving freight train, something that would be helpful to others who read this. I started and abandoned a dozen other comments, and I always came back to this. I'm sorry, this is not the sort of thing you were hoping to hear when you posed this question, Thao. But it's really all I have. Perhaps if I read all of your comments a few more times I might find something that might help me. Perhaps I'll never find anything at all. Again, I'm sorry, this will likely only bring people down or upset them, but it's all I've got. All these things are things I could never say out loud to another person, except my therapist who is a patient, kind and caring man. You kind, caring, generous people are the only other ones who know. Thanks for reading this, and I'm sorry.
There is a creek that borders the property where I work and if the weather is good I’ll take a break and sit down there listening to the frogs.
When I can summon the grace, which is not always, I reflect on the reasonably well known and most likely true and probable real and verifiable fact that: I need not worry about getting revenge, because the universe already knows.
The universe always knows.
I am in the throes of smoking cessation and today was really rough. I was struggling while working on a discussion post for a grad course I'm taking and in it, I referenced lyrics from YOUR song "Slash/Burn." Then I had to listen to the song (of course!), and then the rest of the album...and then half an hour had gone by while I was singing and dancing and completely forgot about cigarettes.
I realize this sounds like pandering but it happened a few hours before you posted this! I'm so grateful for you and your lovely magical music which is helpful and captivating in many other ways aside from riding out a nicotine craving... :)
My go to song during stressful times has been Bob Marley’s “Three Little Birds”. I’m no singer but when I sing that song to myself, it is a sweet comfort that warms my heart and frees my mind.
Try this :) SF Love Dojo Mindful Self Compassion (Introduction) https://youtu.be/XX4dKJ0mfxY via @YouTube
Sometimes I try to picture what vengeance long ago looked like—the historical, ripening, sort, often depicted as a blood feud. Snipes from acquaintances or (former) friends or lovers can easily be inserted here.
My mind flashes as if manually clicking through a projector. The old or imagined North American west. Migration. Appaloosa horses. Fences. Mud. I travel across oceans to vineyards in Spain. Cobblestones in a variety of Mediterranean places. The entirety of Asia, from lushness to sand. A variety of cultures. I picture people in exactly the scenario and scene you describe that hits us at the desk, that grip of the galling event, and I think of how today it’s a little “too easy” to be able to find someone. So I try to picture if this person—offender now of intrusive thought—is worth the journey, old school style. Am I willing to travel the Earth through wilderness and snares to get at them? The journey to find them, to see them, and the journey away from them. Are they worth my time? On occasion when I run these scenarios they move into my imagination where my upset can churn through, and more quickly, turn to laughter. Or smiles. I envision on one of these treks something extraordinary happens along the way—some excellent swim in a lake, or other water. Whatever the original vengeance trek holds, it changes, I change, often in a wonderful way. Other times, I get tired in the first few seconds of thinking about *packing* to go find this person. And I can return better to my tasks or work, knowing it turns out this person who crashed into my brain and body isn’t even worth present-day me putting a toothbrush, vitamins, or sundries into a case.
Always worth a try!